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There is an alarming trend within the church today of moral and marital failure among Christian leaders. In each instance, the pattern in their relationships that preceded the fall was similar.  In earlier years, these leaders had a call of God upon their lives, passion in their marriages, and a zeal for helping people.  But somewhere along the way, misplaced priorities led to a gradual decline in intimacy, and ministry began to take precedence over relationship.  They began giving too much of that which rightly belonged to their spouses and families away to others!

This was our story. After only a short season as a pastor, I became overly zealous about helping people, leading Trisha to believe I loved ministry more than I loved her.  Subconsciously, I was seeking to have my need for love and intimacy met in the wrong ways.  I was very good at serving others, yet I felt inadequate in convincing my family that I loved them more than ministry.  So I gave myself to doing what I did best (ministry), and I walked down the path that could easily have led to moral or marital failure.

 Exposing Root Issues

No one makes plans to serve faithfully in ministry while growing distant from his or her spouse, eventually ending in a fall.  The root issue is not usually sexual sin, but struggles we may have with intimacy (in-to-me-see) that have been simmering for years.  As leaders, our lives and marriages must be rooted and grounded in love and honor (Ephesians 3:17; 1 Peter 3:1-7), or we may bear the consequences of leading ministries that are blended with pride, insecurity, or control.  This can lead a person into a series of four stumbling blocks that often precede moral or marital failure.

 1)  Ministry motivated by an unhealed need for love and acceptance, and the need to be needed.. 

God created us in His image (love) and for intimacy.  We were created by love, for love, to love, and to make God's love known to the nations.  Ministry is meant to be an overflow of the love we have experienced with God and family.  The one who knows and abides in God is not necessarily characterized by his prayer life, knowledge of the Word, ability to handle the anointing, powerful teaching, or sacrificial service.  The one who is close to God is characterized by being at home with love and intimacy in his primary relationships  (1 John 4:7-20; 1 Corinthians13:1-7; John 13:34-35).

The fallen leaders to whom we have ministered were not primarily characterized by their comfort with love and intimacy at home.  Their spirits were a new creation in Christ, but they developed habit structures of thinking (strongholds) during their youth which later influenced them to seek wrong answers for right needs (2 Corinthians 10:4-6).  Some had spent their early years in  legalistic, religious homes where love and acceptance were conditional.  Others grew up in homes where affection and affirmation were seldom expressed.  Others faced divorce, performance-oriented parents, competitive striving, alcoholism, abuse, rejection, abandonment, or having to care for dysfunctional parents or neglected siblings.

In my (Jack’s) youth, though my parents loved me, I only felt loved and accepted when I performed well in sports, at school, and in daily life.  A fortress of thought (stronghold) developed that said, "I must perform and strive harder to earn people's love and to feel a sense of belonging.”  When I didn't perform rightly, I did not feel that I had a safe and secure place in my parents’ hearts, and I chose to close my heart to love.

Because I was created for love and intimacy but rarely opened my heart to receive it, in my teens and twenties pornography, masturbation, and addictions became sources of comfort and a release of tension.  This brought defilement into my marriage and increased my uneasiness with intimacy. The root issue was my unfulfilled, God-given need for love and intimacy. I compounded the problem by seeking identity in the sea and drove myself to become the top commercial snapper fishing boat captain in the fleet.  After I came to the Lord, as an act of religious fervor and discipline I laid the pornography and addictions down.  But the need for love and intimacy was still there, so my unhealed need surfaced in other areas, such as hyper-religious activity and the need to be needed.

Helping others became my source for getting my unhealed need met, and it began taking priority over family times of intimacy and fun.  I became addicted to ministry, hype, and crisis in order to find the adrenaline rushes upon which I fed. This lifestyle caused me to become controlling, and I developed an angry edge at home and with anyone I felt hindered me from building my identity through ministry.  Ministering from an unhealed need set me up for stumbling block number two.

 2)  Walking in independence and isolation.

Outwardly, in the eyes of the church and community, I was so anointed and upright.  But I was not real, open, and approachable, especially with Trisha.  Inwardly, I lived for the praise of man and easily took offense at the slightest rejection or challenge to my authority.  I was jealous of others’ successes.  Thus, I wore a religious mask, pretending to be more spiritual than I really was and excusing my faults and weaknesses by blaming others for anything that went wrong.  To admit that I had a problem meant that I must be broken and deserving of punishment.  My hiddenness and excuses were the subconscious sins of independence and isolation. “He who separates himself seeks his own desire..."  (Proverbs 18:1)

I thought that if people knew the real me, they would reject me, so my relationships were built upon news, sports, weather, and ministry.  I ended up finding security and comfort by controlling my emotions and relationships in order to protect myself from a sense of rejection and failure.  I could not receive admonition or correction without feeling rejected.  Therefore, I was not open to receiving ministry for my personal needs and ended up in denial.  "I'm okay!  I have no need because I am spending so much time in prayer, study, and doing so many good religious things."  Once I avoided receiving truth from other people, I began walking in self-deception.

I chose hiddenness over openness (darkness over light) and intimacy with God was greatly hindered (Romans 13:12-14; 1 John 1:5-8; John 3:19-21).  Because I built my identity and ministry upon service, discipline, and duty instead of love and intimacy, I grew out-of-touch with the needs of my family and people in my church.  They had to meet my rigid standards and expectations in order for me to see them as valuable.  What I had to do to feel good about myself was what I required others to do to gain my approval.  I had to be in control, and it left a trail of broken relationships.  So I worked harder serving people in order to prove to myself and others that I had value and self-worth.  This only served to lead me more deeply into the third stumbling block.

 3)  Being more committed to ministry than to love and intimacy.

With the time demands of ministry increasing upon me, I had no energy left to love when I was home.  Ministry became the only thing that brought me joy.  It seemed that life would have been better if I did not have to go home at night.  The community loved the work I was doing.  "But this woman God gave me!!!  Why can't she appreciate the hours I spend daily in the Word and prayer?  Why can't she value all I am doing for God?"

Communication at home began to break down and often deteriorated to little more than subtle accusations and defensive remarks to protect ourselves.  Rarely did we trust each other enough to talk about our true feelings.  Instead, we centered our conversations around children and ministry.  At church, we made sure the family wore our plastic smiles, never realizing that we were imparting the same spirit of hiddenness and aggressive striving to our people!

My family eventually became resentful toward me, the ministry, and God.  Trisha was left with very little sense of value or honor.  She felt like the unloved wife, Leah, while her husband relished in his “Rachel” - the glory of ministry and the praise of man (Genesis 29).  Feeling like a failure at home, it became much easier for me to spend even more time ministering to others.  Their affirmation of my giftings and ministry became the source of my sense of self-worth and significance.  I was set up to fall face first over the fourth stumbling block, and I never saw it coming.

 4)  Finding affirmation and comfort in someone other than your spouse.

With the erosion of communication and intimacy at home, I felt drawn to the women who appreciated the anointing that was on my life.  I found delight in being with them and in their affirmation.  They were so easy to talk to about my dreams and insecurities and I thought they understood me better than my wife.  I became defensive when Trisha asked why I seemed to light up around certain people but seemed so down when I got home.  This only added to her feelings of dishonor and the tension at home.  Self-deception increased!

God designed my wife to be a physical and emotional haven of rest and a place where I receive His love and comfort through the intimacy she and I share (Genesis 2:18-25; Proverbs 5:18-19; Ephesians 5:25-33).  When I share my private and intimate concerns or find more delight in spending time with a woman other than my wife, then I am giving to someone else the position of comforting me in the natural realm.  That is called spiritual adultery.

      Here are some possible warning signs:

Before a full moral failure could ensnare me, Trisha began experiencing depression, partially related to stuffing her resentment and anger toward me for years.  I ended up in spiritual burnout from a life motivated by spiritual ambition - the desire to be seen and counted among the mature and the willingness to strive for recognition and attention.  Our pain finally outweighed our shame, and we began seeking help from friends, qualified counselors, and ministers of healing prayer.  Through their unconditional love, acceptance, and ministry, intimacy and love began to slowly be restored to our marriage.  It took even longer for our children's hearts to come home to ours.  God turned to good what was meant as evil against us (Genesis 50:20), and used our experiences as the foundation for a ministry of healing and restoration to leaders in the nations.

If you are struggling with even one of the stumbling blocks mentioned, why wait to see if you are going to trip over others?  Stop and think of the possible loss of all you have worked so hard to achieve.  Once you cross the line of moral or marital impropriety, you will not be remembered for all the sacrifices you have made, or the many people you have helped, but you will be remembered for the failure.  Such an indiscretion would immediately tarnish your life message.  Contact one of the restoration ministries listed in the resource section on the back page right now.

 Preventive Measures

Trisha and I learned the hard way that whatever spiritual knowledge, experiences, or attainments that we may have are of little value if they do not lead into a life and marriage focused upon love and intimacy (1 Corinthians 13).  Here are some daily practical choices that we make now to help keep our priorities in order and protect our marriage and ministry from the common stumbling blocks found in ministry.

At least every year or two, we seek mature and qualified Christian counselors or ministers of healing prayer and receive personal ministry or marital counseling and enrichment.  We believe the future of our marriage, family, and ministry depends upon our openness to regularly receive personal ministry and counseling from others.  How can we minister to others what we are not willing to receive for ourselves? 

 Can a Minister Be Restored After a Fall?

"…God does not take away life, but plans ways so that the banished one may not be cast out from Him…   Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted.  Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ."   (2 Samuel 14:14; Galatians 6:1-2)

God's heart is for restoration!  But, “Sin isn’t the fruit of a moment; neither is restoration…  That is what the ‘discipline of time’ is about: healing and mending, not punishment…  Failure disqualifies, and re-qualification takes time…”  (Jack Hayford quoted in If Ministers Fall, Can They Be Restored? by Tim LaHaye)

Most ministers who have found themselves in a state of moral or marital failure have followed the pattern of the four stumbling blocks previously mentioned.  Habit structures of thinking such as the need to be needed, independence and isolation, a fear of intimacy, and self-deception are not usually destroyed with one trip to the altar or one ministry or counseling session.  Mental strongholds often have become a fortress of thought long before the moral or marital failure has taken place.  The restoration process needs to emphasize healing for the marriage and family relationships and for the leader's unhealed need for intimacy.

God forgives the fallen leader immediately when he demonstrates genuine heartfelt repentance.  But forgiveness and healing are two different things.  Trust has been lost in the church and in the marital relationship and may take years to be restored.  The leader and his family are usually overwhelmed with insecurity, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, depression, and personal torment.  The couple may try to compensate through increased hyper-religious activity and aggressive striving, thus increasing their insecurities and fears.  This can re-open the door to these common stumbling blocks in marriage and ministry.  God is more concerned with the restoration of trust and intimacy and the overall well-being of the leader and his family than He is with the restoration of his ministry.  That is what the discipline of time is about: healing and mending, not punishment!

 The Process of Restoration

Our previous ministry experiences have taught us that when there is a quick restoration to ministry without a timely season away from the very thing that feeds the leader’s need for value and acceptance - ministry - the marital crisis is often repeated a few years down the line.  Sin isn't the fruit of a moment, neither is restoration.  Trisha and I feel that a leader must willingly step aside for at least one year from all ministry and position if the healing is to be lasting. This separation allows the focus to be placed upon healing, finding identity in God's love, and restoration of trust and intimacy with the family.  This is usually only effective if there is genuine repentance.  Deeply convicted, the fallen minister chooses to walk in the light and willingly comes forward and exposes his sin.  He is willing to do whatever it takes to bring healing to those who have been hurt.  He does not make excuses, seek to put the blame on others, or diminish the depth of self-deception or fear of intimacy with which he has struggled. 

Failure disqualifies, and re-qualification takes time!  It is not possible to have the same guidelines of restoration for each situation.  Personalities are different.  Each person’s depth of repentance and need for healing is different.  These are some practical steps (not all-inclusive) to consider when seeking to bring restoration:

·          The fallen minister’s responsibilities:

·          The church board's responsibilities: 

·          The restoration committee's responsibilities: 

When the leader has re-qualified him/herself and the marriage shows the fruit of restoration, the restoration committee is responsible for having a public restoration service where the fallen minister is pronounced restored.  The committee should then help the leader locate a new avenue for service and ministry.  

When ministers are caught in the act of sin and are unwillingly exposed or made to confess, there often is little repentance, only remorse.  Remorse rarely changes the problem.  They are grieved over the loss of reputation and identity. They may seek to salvage their names, positions, and salaries through blame shifting, justifying, or diminishing the depth of their involvement and seriousness of the moral or marital failure.  In this case, the restoration process may take much longer in order to lessen the greater risk of the problem being repeated at a later time. 

Certainly, we must forgive and be poised for the restoration of a leader’s ministry.  We can forgive a person of his or her sin, but it will take time for trust to be restored.  The healing and restoration process will take genuine repentance, integrity, humility, openness, transparency, freedom from blame-shifting, servanthood, and consistency from the one seeking to restore trust.  If he or she disqualified themselves, then they must go through the timely process of re-qualifying for ministry. (1Timothy 3:2-10; 5:8)  

Restoring the Soul of the Church  

Moral or marital failures in church leaders wound the soul of a church, and the church must also go through a healing process.  The congregation has become secondary victims, as their image of spiritual authority has been violated.  They often are left angry, ashamed, and resentful.  The succeeding pastor is often on the receiving end of the people's disappointments and grief.  If healing and trust is to be restored, the congregation needs a safe place with an atmosphere of truth and honesty where they may vent their frustrations and pain.  Healing can take as long as two years or more. 

Defilement has often also entered into the congregation.  Many times, the predominant temptations and struggles in the church families are similar as that of the fallen leader.  When we sit under another’s ministry, we catch what they are more than what they teach!  We receive the spirit of our leaders, both the good and bad character traits.  If a person is not on guard, or has an open door in his or her life, defilement can work its way from the leader to individuals in the church.  The men may find themselves struggling more with lust and pornography.  The women may develop a habit pattern of "Prince Charming" fantasies - dissatisfaction with their husbands and wishing their spouses were like some respected man of God they know.  For the woman, this is not very different than the man caught up in pornography  (Amos 3:3; 1 Corinthians 15:33). 

Our question is very simple: “If a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?"   (1Timothy 3:5)  Our hearts should be for the forgiveness and restoration of our fallen leaders. But we should also be for healing the soul of the church, and for a restoration process that will release greater integrity, intimacy, and love in our families and the church, and will overflow into a hurting world that is searching for truth, forgiveness, compassion, and self-sacrificial love. If you’d like more information on this topic, Restoring the Soul of the Church, by Hopkins/Laaser, is a must-read.  

A Wake-up Call To Christian Leaders  

With the increased pattern of moral and marital failure of Christian leaders, how much responsibility should we take as ministers and as the Church?  Could it be similar to the days when the high priest, Eli, did not bring proper oversight and discipline to his sons’ sins, and their ministry brought defilement to the nation and the Ark (glory) of God was lost? (1 Samuel 2 & 4)  Instead of responding with judgment, should we examine ourselves to see if there is something in our overall values in ministry that is allowing defilement to enter the priesthood? (Galatians 6:1)  Could it be that we are not placing a high enough value upon the things God values?  Could there be a need for all leaders to receive this as a wake-up call and be moved to repentance? 

If some of our present values in ministry are producing the fruits of increased moral and marital failures among our peers, then perhaps some of our motivations for ministry as a whole are not rooted and grounded in God's unconditional love and walking in openness and Godly accountability.  Perhaps there is a need for a paradigm shift of some of our ministry values in order to abate the moral and marital decay of so many of our leaders, and our nation as a whole. 

As ministers, we should ask ourselves the following questions: 

·          Is this a time when we are to value intimacy more than ministry?

The Word makes it very clear that our primary qualification for ministry and our relationship with God is evidenced by our relationship with our families and the degree in which we abide in love and intimacy.  Ministry to our families needs to take precedence over our ministry to the world. This is how the world will know that God sent us.  (John 13:34-35; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3; Matthew 22:37-40; 1 John 4:7-18; Ephesians 5:25-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7; 1 Timothy 3:4-5; 5:8) 

·          Is this a time when we are to value being seekers more than being speakers?

Our pursuit of the things of God needs to be motivated by a heart seeking love and intimacy, not by a desire to receive information or anointing for ministry.  In a season when the love of many seems to be growing cold, we must acknowledge our desperate need to pursue daily experiences in Father's unconditional love.  Then out of that place of intimacy, we minister to our families and then to the nations from the overflow of what God's love has done in our homes. (1 Timothy 1:5-7; 1 John 4:19-20; Revelations 2:1-7) 

·          Is this a time when we are to value a life of humility more than a life of visibility?

A person who is a forerunner for God's recognizable presence is not motivated by a desire to be seen or to have a ministry.  They are servant-leaders who delight in helping others reach their maximum potential in God's kingdom of love, not promoting themselves.  "He must increase, but I must decrease."  (John 3:30; John 17:22-23; Philippians 2:3-9; Isaiah 66:1-2; Matthew 18:4) 

·          Is this a time when we are to value a life of integrity more than charismatic personality?

Integrity is an issue of the heart that requires daily decisions to integrate God's core values into life's daily actions.  God values integrity above giftings because it is foundational to building security, trust, and intimacy in our relationships with Him and with others. Living a life of integrity (wholeness, innocence, uprightness) in family relationships and in daily life should be the chief qualification of those who fill our pulpits and are looked to for ministry, wisdom, and oversight.  (Psalm 15:1-2; Proverbs 10:9; 1 Chronicles 29:17; 1 Timothy 3; Titus 2) 

·          Is this a time when we are to value interdependence more than independence?

Do we desire accountability from mentors and spiritual fathers and mothers?  To whom do we look for admonition, comfort, and to speak the truth in love to us?  Whose son or daughter are we?  How can we be fathers and mothers to others until we have been sons and daughters to someone else?  Have we become like the Corinthian church that had ten thousand teachers but few fathers?  As a result, have many focused their lives upon gifts and power but have feared submission to Godly authority and mentors and thus are like spiritual orphans, struggling to get their unhealed needs met in the counterfeit affections of the flesh - passions, possessions, position, and power?  (1 Corinthians 4:14-21; Hebrews 12:7-11; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

·          Is this a time when we are to value impartation more than information?

We need to focus more upon being the message than preaching the message.  We impart what we are long before people put to practice what we preach.  Paul's ministry was not focused upon persuasive speech but the power of impartation that was expressed through a ministry that modeled love, purity, gentleness, nurturing, tenderness, affection, self-denial, exhortation, encouragement, and a fathering and mothering spirit.  This is what helped to bring the New Testament church into maturity and turned the world upside down.  (1 Corinthians 2:4-5; 4:21; 1 Thessalonians 2:7-12)

When God wanted to bring revival to the most sinful city in the world, with whom did He have more trouble: the man of God sent to the city, or the city of Nineveh itself?  When Jonah began to see things from God's point of view (grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love), Jonah repented of his fears of failure and rejection and the city of Nineveh experienced revival.  (Jonah 4:2)

Many people are filled with a sense of fear, despair, and hopeless and are crying out for revival today.  Could it be that it is not the wickedness in our cities that holds back revival?  Could it be held back by the love deficit within some Christian leaders and their family relationships?  Has this opened the door for many “successful” ministers to pursue their needs for love and intimacy in counterfeit affections?  Could it be that revival is to begin with repentance in our homes and families before it breaks forth in our local churches?  Is there a possibility that when all leaders cry out for repentance and restoration for anything in our families that is not rooted and grounded in love and intimacy, that the Church will move from love, to purity, to presence, to power, and then will come the revival that we so desperately need?   (1 John 3:1-3, 14, 16; Malachi 2:13-16)

Jack and Trisha founded Shiloh Place Ministries in 1991 with a vision to see the world experience the Father's healing love through the hearts of the leaders. They spend much of their time today ministering to pastors' and missionaries' families, conducting ministers retreats in different nations, teaching leaders how to bring healing to the broken-hearted, and teaching seminars and Encounters on the Father's love. They are in the process of building a retreat center that will become a haven of rest where ministers can come for refreshing, personal ministry, and to be equipped to give the Father's healing love to the nations.

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